The real reason e-bikes should die

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A lot has been said about e-bikes, so I’m not going to stir that pot up now. Oh, go on then. At the very least, I promise not to get into the whole truth.

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Certainly they totally fail to damage the trails, and are incapable of ‘cheating’ unless you’re racing it with a gigantic yet incredibly convincing water bottle wrapped around the engine. These things are beyond obvious, despite continued, rather sweetly desperate arguments to the contrary.

No, the points I’m going to raise — gloriously, you might say; eloquently, you might say — are far more important. Point one. The problem with e-bikes is that they look stupid. They’re lumpen and unnecessary, and they make funny whiny sounds.

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At this point it’s traditional to bluster about how looks don’t matter a jot, just like brand names, man — No Logo! — and how bike buying is about performance and nothing else. Trouble is that’s nonsense and we all know it. Looks are a major factor.

Witness all the frothing about hydroforming when it first became common. The hardcore scored easy points with arch put-downs like “Why use a straight tube when you can use a bendy one?” and dismissed the whole thing as fashion. But hydroforming wasn’t fashion, and brought considerable benefits to design freedom, strength and weight.

Anyone spending thousands on a hobby without considering, even for a second, whether the equipment looks sexy and exciting and fast, is dead inside

A sentient future?

Why am I serving the bike’s needs, instead of the other way around?

The next thing you know, your bike will be ordering new tyres for itself off Amazon, then refusing to run until you fit them

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