Foldable Bikes Party: Inside every littering mountain biker lurks a silly, pouting child

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Inside every littering mountain biker lurks a silly, pouting child

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Near Llandovery, past the tiny Welsh village of Cilycwm, is a steep-sided valley that climbs to a beautiful waterfall. High on the right-hand side of the valley sits a bench, behind which the Cwm Rhaeadr trail passes. It’s there because the view is stupendous. Both the bench and the trail stare across waves of conifers that fall and rise to the distant ridge, and all the way to the roaring white falls. Close as the forest drops away, below the bench, grows a particularly tall tree. It’s all just gorgeous. In the tree hangs a ruined inner tube.

Somewhere in Britain, in a place perhaps strewn with broken toys, is the witless man/woman-child who tossed it there. Hello mate! Perhaps you’re used to throwing things and mummy and daddy clearing up after you?

This stupid tube, looping from the branches like a score of zero for humanity, has stuck in my mind. Why would anyone do this? Why would you toss a bit of nasty black rubber into such an unspoiled landscape? What motivated this pathetic wrecker? Let’s examine it scientifically, because I am a scientist, believe me. (By the way, I’ve noticed that this is all you have to say for something to be true these days — and nobody’s more scientific than me, believe me.) Also, because this discarded tube is a proxy for all the litter on the trails, it will let us draw wider conclusions. Which will obviously be totally scientific as well.

So, the tube in the tree. It couldn’t have been ditched to save weight, because the rider must have been carrying a spare one. If they weren’t they immediately regretted throwing this one off the hill, tried to climb the tree, fell out, cried, then rode off on their rim like downhill genius Aaron Gwin, only without the speed, or talent, or style, or good reason to do it, or the celebrated status as a worthwhile human being.

Meanwhile, sticking the punctured tube back in their pack would have added zero grams, while lobbing it saved maybe 200g. Perhaps this was the motivation? Certainly the weight loss would’ve made all the difference to the remaining 60 seconds of uphill, especially if they were used to hanging off mummy or daddy once their legs got tired. I’m going somewhere with this whole toddler thing, by the way.