For Carmen Small, the 2017 season was meant to be a year of transition. She would continue to race for one last year while learning the ropes as a DS and mentor to her Team Veloconcept teammates.
That has all but taken a backseat as she battles with the lingering symptoms of a concussion after a heavy crash at the Ronde van Drenthe in March. The crash briefly left Small unconscious, and in the following weeks and months she had to deal with vestibular problems that gave her vertigo, her eyes were not tracking properly, and she struggled with her balance.
Most of the symptoms have been alleviated, but she still struggles with a headache that is with her every day. Having tried everything from traditional western medicine, yoga, acupuncture and herbal remedies, the headache refuses to go away. For a person who has dedicated themselves to a passion for over a decade, it is very difficult to deal with.
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“My balance has got almost perfect, but it’s still not 100 per cent, and now we’re just trying to figure out the headaches,” an emotional Small told Cyclingnews. “I will literally try anything to make the headache go away. A lot of people are like 'Carmen it just takes time. You had a head trauma. It’s just going to take time'. I think that’s the hardest thing for athletes because we’re so goal oriented.
“Time really matters to us so it’s hard because you just want to get back to being normal and participating and doing what you love and what your passion is. It’s really difficult not to be able to participate. Nationals are coming up and I don’t think that I’ve missed nationals in my entire career. I don’t even get a chance to defend the jersey. It’s so emotional, and it’s so hard.”
Small had been in a breakaway when a rider, looking behind at the chasing bunch, moved across and took her out. When she fell, she landed on her head and shoulder. She has been able to get back to training, but it is a day to day approach, with her headaches determining when she can and cannot get out on the bike. As frustrating as it is, she is not allowed to race until she is completely symptom-free. Doctors are unable to give her a timeline for recovery – it could be tomorrow, it could be in 12 months - and it seems that only time will tell if and when it will eventually dissipate.
Living like a normal person
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